Sunday, December 26, 2010

Skinny jeans, basketball jerseys, and popped collars... oh my

There's a song by Brad Paisley called "Waiting on a Woman."  For those of you who do not partake in the genre twang, guitars, and cowboy boots (ahem, country), the lyrics are as follows:

When I picked her up for our first date
I told her I'd be there at eight
And she came down the stairs at eight-thirty
She said, ''I'm sorry that I took so long
Didn't like a thing that I tried on.''
But let me tell you son she sure looked pretty
Yeah, she'll take her time but I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman.

97% of the female (and male) population can nod and smile and know that this is one of the more truer lyrics that have ever been sung about a woman.  In much of our defense, there is a reason why we take so long to get ready (and potentially run late).  The reason is that most of us are over analyzing what we are wearing.  We don't want to look like a train wreck going out.  You know, we'd like to not appear on at any point in our lives.

Why do I open with this?  Because fellas, sometimes we'd like you to put  just a little more thought in how you're coming across to us ladies.  Sometimes that extra thirty minutes... to maybe read an article like this would help you.  Appearance isn't everything, but first impressions (as we have said before) are.  Some of your apparel choices immediately make us cringe.

Click below to read the items that our readers have voted as the most likely clothing choices to become an immediate turn off...

10. Hair gel.... lots of hair gel.

If your hair gets to the point where you can walk out of a category 5 hurricane without movement, you might want to consider reading the directions.  Generally said directions indicate that you should use the "size of a dime" rather than a full bottle.  When we see hair stiffer than Elton John at a Chippendale's show, we generally want to bounce quarters off your skull to see if it moves.

A little dab will do ya... we promise.

9. Gold Chains/diamond earrings/rings bigger than my house

Bling.  Many of our lady readers believe that lots of bling make you look like a pimp, thug, or Alexander Ovechkin.  None of which is entirely endearing, but we have a feeling that if you are the type of person to be wearing such things, you really don't care what our lady readers think.  Your type of woman probably isn't reading this blog either.  She's out at the club waiting to share her herpes with you.  It's the gift that keeps on giving.

8. Basketball jerseys

Maybe it's because the majority of our readers don't come from a basketball town.  But jerseys of this infernally boring sport (yeah, this writer would watch golf over basketball) turn out readers off almost as much as the bling mentioned above.  Maybe it's because we find basketball to be a less cerebral sport of hockey (which we know this blog is a fan of and many of our followers) or because we think LeBron is a douchebag... we don't know.  But either way, as soon as we see a basketball jersey, we want to call foul.

7. High school jackets/jerseys

It's funny when Al Bundy does it (or maybe it's funny sad), but when real people do it, we just feel sad. And when you wear your senior year football jersey and a small (or large) beer gut is peeking out from the bottom, we not only feel sad... we'll probably weep into our beers.  All high school items need retired once you throw that cap in the air and say peace out to your childhood days.

Ladies, you can fall into this category too.  Just because you have the old cheerleading uniform doesn't mean you need to wear the old cheerleading uniform or a reunion, halloween, to show off, or any other reason that doesn't include you and your partner playing fun little games in the bedroom. (That we don't need to know about.)

6. Head-to-Toe Denim

Oh that jean jacket is hot.  Maybe it's the acid wash jeans.  Must be the denim shirt under the jacket.  Really, all you need to accent this look is a pair of Pony hi-tops and a mullet.  You do?!  Fantastic!  Let's get into your El Camino and rock out to AC/DC all night long.

Oh my.

For most of us, denim is only acceptable as pants on your body (and sometimes off depending on the situation) unless...

5. Baggy Jeans

As much as we despise it... we think it's true.  "Pants on the ground... pants on the ground... lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground."  Get a belt and pull those bad boys up.  And if you are combining the baggy jeans, bling, and basketball jerseys... that's just a trifecta of "turn around and walk away."

You know, for as much as you like looking at our butts, we like looking at yours.  We like looking at them in well fitted jeans... and when we say well-fitted we don't mean....

4. Skinny Jeans

From baggy to skinny.  Skinny jeans should never be worn on a male ever.  There is no circumstance where a male should wear skinny jeans.  EVER.  Every time we see a man wearing jeans tight enough for us to count pubes, we first question your manhood and second we wonder how much your sperm count is being reduced.  So I guess for those of us who do not require manly men or men who have the capability of reproducing, skinny jeans are okay.... no, no, no.  See rule 1.  Skinny jeans = never!

3. Christmas Sweaters

We don't care how hard they try.  Christmas sweaters should never become popular fashion.  Moose, bears, reindeer, and all other winter animals should not be on your sweaters but maybe hanging on your walls... or for those of us who don't love hunting and the spoils of the sport, they should only be on flannel sheets or stuffed animals or something not being worn as a sweater.  

And if you are wearing the commonly labeled "ugly Christmas sweater," please remember there is a reason why we laugh at them when they appear in a Christmas comedy.  They're ugly and funny looking.  Are those two labels you would like to be associated with?

We even question if Max Talbot can pull off the resurance of the Christmas sweater.... speaking of which...

2. Popped Collars 
(especially fun when it's a Christmas sweater with a popped collar)

We're pretty sure the popped collar is banned in all states that contain the letter Q in their name.  Let that sink in....

Popped collars just really confuse us.  For the longest time, anytime your collar was turned you you generally looked like you either just rolled out of bed, are a toolbox, or are ghetto.  And the preppy kids are trying to pull it off now.  We guess that's the way many fashion fads go, but to us, you still look like a toolbox.  Oh and if you want to look like a double toolbox, pop two collars.  Layering.  It's all about layering.

1. Ed Hardy/Affliction

We have said it before, and we say it again.  Thank you, Ed Hardy.  You have labelled douche bags everywhere for us.  Now we no longer have to question whether a guy is a douche before we begin talking to him.  We just have to look at his shirt and we automatically know.  It's like a calling card.  What would be even better is if said guy not only had one of your shirts on but also was wearing your over priced cologne.  We didn't know it was possible to actually smell like a douche bag, too.  Apparently it is.

[And this was hands down the overall landslide winner of our entirely informal voting process.]

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