Monday, September 20, 2010

Losing the Race at the Starting Gate

Today’s lesson ladies and gents:
How to kill a relationship before it even begins… way before. No, seriously, like before we even want to consider going out on a date with you beginning.
(Thanks for the topic, Betty.)

You could possibly consider this a continuation of every other post we’ve had. Think of this as more hints and tips on what NOT to do when trying to score a date. Our third post goes back to the online environment since the majority of us here have dealt with online creepers in one form or another.

In general, trying to snag a date with somebody online (whether it is a dating site, somebody you like on facebook, or some other random internet place) consists of a normal pattern for those who are semi-responsible or concerned for their own well being. I have to stress "responsible" people. There are some guys and gals on dating sites who will give out their cell numbers to anything that has enough fingers to text a hook up location without any type of caution or care. This pattern is not usually used by said people. Said people are typically not the people writing for this blog. We say typical because well, even we admit that sometimes a one-night stand isn’t the worst thing in the world…. But we digress from the point of this matter.

The responsible pattern (that we have just admitted some of us are prone to stray from on an occasion once in awhile) is:
  1. Send a message to somebody who you find interesting and see if they respond.
  2. Converse back and forth about common interests to get a few feelers on personality and well, you know, to try and gauge if the person is a total nut case.
  3. Exchange some instant messages or texts. (Some choose to skip this step and go straight to 4 which is okay.)
  4. Meet up if said person passes the first three items.
Most people hope when hitting send on a message to get to step 4. Some people manage to go from step 1 to step -4 all with the click of the button. For those of you with no imagination, step -4 is the step where you get your a$$ blocked from all communication attempts known to man.

TMI, Darling, TMI.
Most of us females, like males, tend to like to get laid. You know, it's a basic human action. There I said it. Girls like sex. Whereas this may be truth, that truth doesn't have to be discussed in an introductory communication attempt with a female. [Unless you are going for the one night stand/random hook up. This introduction message, in general, may not work in most cases when you are trying to score a date in hopes that maybe this will be a meaningful friendship and/or relationship.] In fact, more than likely, you may not want to bring it up until after the first date or during the first date if all is going well.

Of course, that could be the general feeling of the writers on this blog. We tend to think that if a girl jumps on that bad wagon after your first communication attempt you might want to also tell her how much you like attempting to catch strange and unusual illnesses. In our opinion, this is because she's probably exchanging more than just phone numbers with any other guy contacting her on a dating site online. So the moral of this story is that you might not want to tell us about how much you get laid, would like to get laid, and/or expect to get laid. It'll happen buddy, but probably not with us. Move along.

Psychobabble. No, really... PSYCHO babble.
Let's recap this situation of emailing back and forth with a guy:
  • Emails 1-3: Nice guy. Single dad with a job and just seems all around decent. (Communication status: Light is green. Okay to proceed.)
  • Email 4: Lost custody of his 10 yr old daughter recently. (Communication status: Light is now yellow. Proceed with caution.)
  • Email 5: Being told that you remind him of his ex and about 3 paragraphs of how he knows that is wrong and has all these preconceived notions in his head about you. (Communication status: Light is now red. Do not reply to any more emails.)
  • Email 6: Being told 5 hours later that the previous email was a bit much and they apologize. And he wants to rewind and "take things slow." Please note: no email communication has been made to said person since email 5.
  • Email 7: Being then told 2 hours later that "come on, let's take things slow. Let's talk about your family and sports and tattoos like I know you like to do." And then about a page of random topics ranging from some technical crap related to an HD tv to wanting to see your family because he has nobody. (Communication status: WHOA. Light has now broken. Um. Go away please forever. DO NOT RESPOND.)
  • Email 8: Two days later, after no response since email 5, starting off with a "Come on girl. Where is the nice girl I know you can be?" (Communication status: A polite "you need a therapist and don't contact me ever again" response and blocking.)

So fellas... if you think you're going to score points with the ladies. Leave the psycho drama to a therapist.

Comic Book Guy goes into panic mode.
We love nerds at this blog. We really do. Each of us is a nerd to some degree. We do not discriminate here on who we like. It's all over the place. But we promise “Comic Book Guy”, there are other girls out there in the world. When you get all drooly over us (in a clingy kind of way), we are flattered at first... but after awhile, we are kind of creeped out. It makes us feel like you're going to go all Toy Story 2 on us and keep us in a glass case as a collectors item. (After writing that it sounds more like an episode of Criminal Minds, NCIS or CSI.... of course we would have no problem if Gibbs or DiNozzo came to rescue us... hmmm.... no, stop this train of thought. Scary. Run away!)

Moral of the story “Comic Book Guy”: Just be normal. If we have to cancel a date, don't go into panic mode spamming our phones with texts seeing if we are awake when we don't answer an IM message. Don't stalk our email, facebook pages, messengers, or anything other form of modern day social networking. (Or olden day social networking for that matter. No carrier pigeons, rotary phones, or ICQ communication either.) This is total creeper behavior and puts you in a special place we call blocking. This is the reason a few of us pay 5 bucks a month to our phone company so you cannot contact us ever again. Period.

Girl sports fans have feelings too.
Guys really? If a girl came up to you and insulted your favorite sports team, what would you do? You'd probably get into a tizzy and rant off about fifteen little known facts about why Ray Shero should have re-signed Sergie Gonchar. (3 of 4 staffers here would tell you about 15 counter points on why he shouldn't have.... but that is aside the point.) The point is that you guys get just as bent about your sports teams as us females do. It isn’t a cute game of pulling a girl’s hair in the schoolyard and running away. Some of us take sports very seriously so think twice.

Game recap: If you think it's a brilliant idea to start off a conversation with a female insulting their favorite sports team.... the only scoring you are probably going to see is on Monday Night Football.

I wanna talk about me. Wanna talk about I.
Sure it's a catchy song. (In fact, it's being sung right now in my head.) But when you wanna talk about me, talk about I, talk about number one, oh my me my and nothing else this is absolutely and 100% going to be a turn off to girls. And the flip side is true ladies, guys don't want to hear about you, you, you, you usually. Let the other person get a word in edge wise. When we start to tell a story, don't one-up it and tell an even better story or flip the story to how it relates to you. Even in texting, emailing, or IM conversations, this trait can be picked up quickly and is not going to score you a date. Who wants to date somebody that doesn’t let them speak ever?

How to make it into the Billboard Top 10: Ask questions. Listen to what the other person is saying. At least act like you are interested even if the story is about as entertaining as watching paint dry.

Facebook has its boundaries.
Guy/girl in question: “Oh look, my friend changed their profile picture. Wow, he/she looks great! I'm single. He/she is single. Maybe he/she wants to hook up. Maybe I should post that on their new profile picture for everybody to see.”

Okay, dial it back stud. If you have ever had this thought process or may have it in the future, think about the situation first! If you really think that posting on somebody's profile picture "Hey! You look hot! Let's go out on a date." is the way to go, you very well may have missed a few steps in how to communicate with people. There are ways to ask people out on facebook. You know, send an instant message. Send an email. Under no circumstances post it in a public comment or wall post. It puts the person you are commenting to in an awkward position especially if they have no real interest in going out on a date with you. They're either going to delete your comment or pretend they never saw it. “Oopse, I received 25 notifications about Aunt Susie needing to water her plants on Farmville how did I NOT see that total turn on of a comment?!”

Come on guys, you can do better than that.

And how many of you guys reading now instantly feel better about yourselves?

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