Thursday, August 19, 2010

No, I don't want 2B UR Princess Leia.

Since I'm the first one of us four to figure out how to create my own profile, I suppose I am the one that is either going to intrigue you all to stay and keep reading our misadventures.  Or... scare you off so you never return.  Of course, I'm hoping for the former.  We have to do something with this stuff!  So blogosphere, here we go.


Let me give you a little background on me.  I'm a single mom.  I own my own house.  I own my own car.  I have a career.  Not a job, a career.  I'm pretty laid back and pretty tolerant of most people.  (In my own mind... even if I do think some boys are stupid and need rocks thrown at them.)  I empathize with people way more than I should.  So needless to say, I have tolerated a lot of crap in my lifetime much to my own detriment.  Anywho.

So my dating ventures often begin online in the scary word of Internet dating.  And let's just say, it's been a treat.

Today's topic:  Internet Pick Up Lines (or messages)

I don't ask for much from people.  You know... I'd like people to have a job, their own car... and well preferably not live in their parents' basement.  But you know, life sucks sometimes.  I get it.  I also have the high requirement that people have mastered the English language to a degree.  (By all means, I know I am typo queen and not even entirely grammatically correct.)

So let me bring you the joy that has been some fantastic pick up lines that guys have sent to me.  And my subsequent thoughts for all the world to read.

The nerd pick up lines:
He writes:  "I see we both like Star Trek.  Let's explore this."
I think upon reading:  Oh, I see what you did there.  Let's not boldly go... ever.  I'm a nerd, but that is even too nerdy for me.
What he should have said:  Hey, I see you like Star Trek.  Which series was your favorite?

He writes:  "Would you like to be the Princess Leia to my Han Solo."
I think upon reading:  Sweet Jesus, I am taking all nerdy references out of my profile!  Keep your Wookie in your pants buddy.  
What he should have said:  So what did you think of Episode 1 - 3?  (This would have tested my nerdy prowess and also led me into a huge tirade about how much I dislike Hayden Can't-act-eson.)

He writes:  "How many grown men do you know that own their own proton pack?"
I think upon reading:  Actually, a few.  I have my own light saber but I don't use it as a pick up line.  (It's pretty sweet.  It's Mace Windu's for all of you who are now wondering which one it is.  Yeah, admit it, you nerd.)
What he should have said:  Really, tack something like this into a long paragraph about how much you love Ghostbusters and even go as far as to have a costume.  It's cool.  I respect it.  I'd be Jean Grey to comicon every year if I was crazy enough to think spandex is ever a sensible fashion choice (which is about never). *shudder*

Analysis:  Just because I am a nerd of sorts doesn't mean I want to talk nerd all day long.  I also feel uncomfortable for you when you actually write a cheesy pun, joke, or "clever" line trying to pick me up. Now, if we were chatting for a bit and you throw in that line to be funny, then we're cool.  I joke around with nerd humor all the time with friends.  If I never met you before, this makes me want to explore other options.

The "are you serious?!" pick up lines:
He writes:  "hey i would like to get to no you..hit me up if ya want.."
I think upon reading:  Oh wow.  We don't know how to spell know. Okay, he seems like he has a profession from his profile.  Benefit of the doubt.  Will respond with some generic, "Sure, what do you want to KNOW?" type response.
He writes back:  "Well where you from? And do you drive, and what are you looking for.. "
I think upon reading:  What an odd question to ask somebody.  
  1. It says in my profile that I do have a car.  (Kind of sad that Plenty of Fish makes you put that in your profile.) 
  2. No, I just like to look at my car.  I do not, in fact, drive it.  I think I will respond with some nice and eloquent message.
He writes back:  "Ok sound good, i dont have a car at the moment, got license.. And my own with out car tho.. Well mabe we can hang some time, heres my # XXX-XX-XXXX"
I think upon reading:  Are you seriously 30?! 
  1. This is not "Driving Mr. I-Can't-Write-a-Sentence".
  2. You don't know me from Eve and you just gave me your phone number?!  (I am tempted to leave it in this blog to see if anybody wants to take him out.  He seems down on his luck.)
  3. I already have children.  Do not need another.
  4. But hey, he has an apartment ladies.  That does make him a better catch than the last guy I dated long term.
Analysis:  *headdesk*

More "learn to write please" pick up lines:
He writes:  "wow nice ink how mane tatts do u got?"
I think upon reading:  If I didn't read typo so well thanks to my iPhone and it's genius auto-correcting that thinks "him" should be "Jim" and "hell" should be "he'll" and "Wooooooooooo" should be "Supercallafragalisticexpialadosis", I would have thought this guy was talking about something very naughty about horses.  You, sir, will not see my tats in any form.

He writes:  "you hav the best eyes ive seen, i wanna talk and hope you do to"
I think upon reading: I'm really glad I never became an English teacher like I wanted to.  I can't handle reading Inbox messages from a dating site.  I appreciate the compliment, but my elitist ass can't get over the lack of 'e' on the word 'have' and the improper use of the word 'to.'  Punctuation-shmunctuation.

Analysis:  I am starting to feel very sad for the state of our educational system.  [And yes, I do realize I need a proofreader.  In my defense, I have generally mastered sentence structure with the occasional screw up.]

"Woe is me" pick up line:
He writes:  "Too bad I don't meet your high standards...."
I think upon reading:  Um, my high standards pretty much are: have a job, car, and some semblance of an understanding what it is to be an adult.  (In nicer terms)

He writes:  "I just got to town!  I have no job yet."
I think upon reading:  And so you want me to pay for the dates?  Ummmm.... no.

Analysis:  No wonder some people are still single at the age of 27-35 as my filters are generally set for.

Honorable Mentions:
He writes:  "I'd like to be the He-Man to your Teela." (What does this even mean? They didn't date in the show.  Stop trying to be cute.)
He writes:  "You should really give older guys a shot."  (Dude, you're 50.  It creeps me out that you just started being able to vote when I wasn't even born yet.)

And don't even get me started on the guys that just try way too hard to be clever.  I give you an A for effort but you're gonna creep me out more than you think.  Here is this gem I just received not twenty minutes ago:

"I'm told by those rascally robots that you like Radiohead, are single, are between 27 and 35 and that I could learn who you are if I get a reply.

I am convinced these robots only care to ensue chaos through mischief, not help."

Who writes like this normally?  Seriously?  I probably will reply to this guy because he has mastered the language of English at least . But dude, less is more sometimes.  (There was waaaaay more in the entire email.)  I read things how I think people should talk in person.  And if this person talks this way normally I'll probably be annoyed in about .5 seconds.  It's cute and funny when having a few laughs.  But as the basis of every conversation, my patience and attention span is about..... SQUIRREL!

And the moral of the story:  First impressions are all you get sometimes.  Use them wisely.

PS:  If anybody wants to serve as my proofreader [Danielle and Shark Face], feel free.  I know I suck.


And that is that for tonight.  I made myself laugh at least.  I hope we get some followers who post comments here or on Facebook.  I'd love to know some of the gem of pick up lines YOU'VE received.  And if you have any good stories you want to share, email them to us!  I'm hoping to have a weekly feature of guest stories.  (We will keep you anonymous so no worries.)

1 comment:

  1. I'm never using the internet... ever. Thanks, p.j.